2012 and 2013 Review

I  didn't have the opportunity to review my 2012 as I was lost in the space holding my 4-day old newborn baby at the end of 2012.

As I recap my sweet memories for these two years all together summarizing my achievement by the age of 30, I feel so blessed and thankful that I was given the chance to breathe with all these blessings.

The best thing that happened in these two years was when I gave birth to my little angel, the Iris of my eye. Probably going to be the best thing ever in my life. Nothing can be better and sweeter than that. Thank You, Allah, for this gift.

One year has passed and my angel is already 1 year old now. I thank Allah for the rezeki given for being able to exclusive breastfeed her for 6 months and continue to breastfeed her up to 1 year old. Hoping to continue until she turns 1.5 years old, at minimum, insyaAllah.

2012 also witnessed our rezeki in buying our own property, can't wait for the construction to complete next year.

I ended my 2013 with my rezeki in getting a new job, Alhamdulillah, a professional, government body that administers the financial institution in Malaysia. The working lifestyle, masyaAllah balanced without sacrificing salary range, is all I ever wanted.

Syukran ya Allah... kerana masih mampu bernafas dengan segala keindahan rezeki mu. Ameen.

Bahayanya Wanita, the theatre show

I watched this with my girlfriends last Monday. Of course my dear husband will not let himself seen in such play show. I thought the ticket price was ok as compared to the show on arwah Mokhtar Dahari few months back. 

I shall not spoil you who have not gone watched the show. That is not really a world class kinda show. Type of show that would be enjoyable for those who knows Zizan's kinda joke. If you watch Maharaja Lawak or Lawak ke Der, and you like them, maybe you'd like this show. 

I like the storyline, the actors are good, and the props are beautiful. I just don't like the fact that the actors are miming, the songs in the play are generally the songs that are already in the market, not made for the play, well of course they just change the lyrics. And I dont like when some of the actors dont even try to remember the lyrics especially Zizan and Nora Danish. Zizan siap pakai suara orang lain lagi, but of course that is not so bad la. But the least they can do is, while miming tu, tunjuk la macam tengah nyanyi betul, ni tak... suara macam jerit, muka rilek je, nampak giler dubbing. which is kinda boo la.

However, I think Erra sang live. Agaknya laa... and kudos tu Nora Danish although I think she didnt sing live, but the she used her own voice i think.

Baju mereka... sangat cantik-cantik. Maybe because they are sponsored by famous designers like Hatta Dolmat la and ntah sapa lagi. So it was all nice.

Erma Fatimah was kinda hot in this show. Nampak kurus. And the ladies, Erra, Nora and Umie were damn hottie. Bawak watak masing masing dengan sempurna.

Basically cerita ni ada pengajaran untuk both gender. The men should realise yang wanita ni memang bahaya. Especially bila mereka bergabung. Jangan main-main, and harus ikhlas dengan setiap wanita yang dinikahi. To the women, suami ni kene jaga. Kita silap sikit je, senang aje dia cari lain. And we must know what they really need....love.

With Dyla, Noli, Ashik, Asma and Myra

    

Preparing Iris' First Birthday Party

OK now I have some nice quiet time at the office to plan for the little girl's birthday party. It's year end, and nothing is moving at year end. Well I can't do this at home as she will start to want to take my pen, shuffle with the papers, and pressing on my laptop.

Theme party
As much as I love to attend themed event, it gives me ideas of what to wear to the event, really, I am not gonna set any theme for this birthday party. Reason is I just want to reminisce MY first birthday party, not that I remember anything, but I want Iris to have the same kind of first birthday that I had 30 years ago. Simple white birthday cake with the shape of 1. It's all about what mummy wants, haven't you learnt anything when you had your wedding day? hahaha

Food
Half home-cooked and half catered. I am not cooking anything, if you ever wonder. I have my super maids and mama who is going to do all that.

Decorations
OK this is the part that I am worried about. I have no theme, hence I don't know how to decorate other than balloons. I am no artist hence my hands are not good with home-made creative decorations. And my husband will not approve of ordering decoration set online.

OK I give way because she is just 1 year old, she wouldn't understand anything anyway (I hope when she grows up she won't kill me when she sees my friends' babies birthday party, with themes and fantastic decorations). Please, understand my intention, babeh! I  will let you choose your own theme when you are big enough to know what you'd like to have for your party (jangan mintak buat birthday party dalam istana udah!)

My humble preparation for my girl

Mommy sangat excited sambil sambil tu teringat time skarang ni, 1 year ago, I was helplessly serba tak kene dok MC kat umah menanti ketibaan tuan puteri dari syurga. 

Iris going to turn ONE

My little Iris is turning one this Boxing Day.

 

 

 

I have seen a lot of little progress in her. Like waving goodbye when she hears the word ‘bye bye’,

like pat on her head when she hears the word ‘pusing’  (means headache in indon) or ‘sakit’,

like stretch her head over to me when I say ‘sayang mommy’,

or dance witlessly when you tell her ‘buat lagi, buat lagi’, 

when she picks up something and you say ‘bagi mommy’ she willingly pass it on to you,

and oh when she dances to any music, even when you recite, surah al-fatihah,

She also knows the difference between fake remote control and the real one, and she could tell if the real one you give her is without battery,

She knows what to press when she holds any remote control, and started to look at the fan/tv to see the changes she had done, whether she changed the channel or she off the fan/aircond,

Oh seriously, there are a lot more.

But the little big things I always tell others are that she has not started to walk nor she has started to talk. And I always tell others how she is always enthusiastic or excited or over energetic about things (lasak).

She could climb the stairs up to the second level and she could go down the stairs herself, backward of course, after I taught her to go down to her cot from my bed backward and legs down first, she does that at every split level she sees.

She can’t sit still for more than 5 seconds, she has very short level of concentration on any things

She doesn’t like books or cartoons

A very small size baby, considering she has big fat parents

I always whine and I seem concerned that Iris has not progressed like some babies her age. 

Truth is,

I am not worried at all.

I know that babies grow at their own pace. I just love telling others how my baby has not reached her big milestones, it may sound like I am complaining, but fact is, deep down I am proud that I have something to tell others and that my baby is different.  

I am proud that I have such a beautiful lasak daughter and I will cherish this moment before she starts to walk and talk. To me, she is smart in her own way and I am so very proud of every little progress I see in her. She melts my heart in her many beautiful ways.

Indonesian maids tak kenang budi

About 5 months ago I managed to hire one Indonesian maid through another maid that has been working with arwah nenek for over 10 years now. The first month wasn't that great, she had problem of her own, but we managed to bridge the gap and gain each other's trust. She copes well after about two months working with us. And she blends well with my mom's maid too (we are staying with at my mom's).

 

Just after raya she told me that her cousin wanted to come here to work and ask me if I can find an employer for her. I did, and I tried to find a nice person for her. At the same time, another friend of mine also asked me if I can help her find a maid through my maid. And we did. Both are equally in need of job, they have debts to pay off, and little stomachs to feed. I personally like maids that have difficulties in their life, so they will be motivated to work hard to earn their income. But of course, it depends on individuals, some, out of desperation will turn out to be criminals. However, judging from my maid, a religious person, responsible, and a kids lover, I thought that her relatives would somehow pose the same kind of attitude.

 

Went through a lot of hurdle, to bring them in, as in A LOT. I don't have to elaborate on the difficulties of bringing these two to Malaysia, they have however been solved with the help of my husband and my maid's husband.

 

Not long after they started working, both asked if they can go on long leave for raya haji. One of them was only allowed to go one day off and expected to come home that night, but she didn't. She stayed on for 4 nights, and after a few calls and sms of angry employer, she decided not to go back to the employer. It was soo easy for her to decide not to go back after all the money spent for her passport, tickets to Malaysia, and some money to leave for her children by her employer. And she had the guts to ask me find a new employer for her.

 

The other girl went back also after 4 days of holiday then ran away the next day to work in factories that supposedly giving her income of RM1k. Little did she know that some amount from the pay received has to go to rentals, food and basic necessities. What more can I say. They can betray my maid, who is actually their cousin.

 

I was too embarrassed to even face my friends on this issue, tapi ku gagah kan jua, but what can I do, things are beyond my control. I cannot imagine a mother of two (both of them) can just do things without thinking. They think that it is easy to switch employers as they like. Although I didn't make any profit out of getting these two maids here, I feel responsible, and so does my maid. But I can't do anything, because I am not an agent, I don't take money so there is nothing I can refund, as all the money spent goes to the passport, fines, imigresen, lodgings, food, etc.

 

All I can say is that I feel sorry for my friends, and lesson learnt, never trust anyone, and don't even try to help Indonesians, they want to find job here, go through agent! Serik.

 

Masa Acheh banjir dulu, Malaysian datang nak tolong pun, deorang campak benda to our fellow Malaysian selepas case lagu Negaraku ciplak tu, remember? So you know la my conclusion. Tak perlu cerita panjang. Tak kenang budi punya orang.

 

To the two girls, I lent you my money to leave with your family, akan ku halal kan duit ku... kerana aku tak ingin menunggu mu di padang mashar nanti.  (As if they know how to read this)

 

      

Career Changing

Iris is 10 months now. Not because she is 10 months, only I can find the time to write. It is because I changed my job.

Changing job is never easy. What more changing your career altogether. It was the toughest decision ever. Even choosing the man to get married to, wasn’t as difficult.

I started my career in audit 7 years ago in one of the Big4. I enjoyed my time there, I complained a lot though, but I loved it. I was so workaholic, that going home past midnight was just a routine for me. When I got married, I knew I had to leave audit to find back my life.

I left audit and joined the corporate world after 5 years in one of the largest insurance company in Malaysia. I must admit I had a great prospect, good position, challenging tasks, attending external conferences, meeting big shots from big corporations, meeting regulators and governance body, I enjoyed every single bit of my work.

But what I didn’t like, was the inflexibility. There were no understanding and flexibility for young working moms like myself. Going home at 6.30pm is considered very early. Certain fixed period of time, you cannot plan for leave, and definitely cannot afford to fall sick. And every time you will be praying hard that your children don’t get sick during those period otherwise, you’ll be going to work unfocused, you can’t take leave to care for your child and forced to come to work, so all you see in the numbers are practically meaningless boxes or lines or filling up the excel sheets.

Those times are the accounts closing period. And it’s fixed period. Like every month, you are froze every first week of every month, every quarter will be the first two weeks of the next month from the quarter, and every year end closing, you are practically froze for the whole of January EVERY YEAR (regardless of weekends and public holidays).

After I had Iris in my life, I realised that I could not go on with this. When I tendered, I got to know that I was in the Bumiputra talent management list, they were going to groom me, and going to give me big position in 5 years time. Yea I had my beauty prospect there, but that means nothing if I have to sacrifice my time with my child(en).

I want to be able to take EL when my child is sick. I want to be able to go home at 6.30pm happily, no need to creep to the door hoping that my boss didn’t see me. I want to be able to enjoy my weekends and public holidays. I want to be able to utilise my annual leave by just staying at home, don’t have to have reasons like to fix my car or to go to the bank or to go for checkups just to take one day off. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love challenging work. I don't mind having piles of things to do. But I want flexibility. I guess the working environment just didn't suit me well.

And now syukur Alhamdulillah, rezeki Iris, I found the right place for me to be in, with better pay and better flexibility. I don’t know about my career path though. Because I have left accounting completely. Not that I am confident that I will be a CFO one day, but at least the path that I had was leading towards there. Now, I don't have that option anymore. Sadly, I bid goodbye to the life I had dedicated to for the last 7 years.

 

I am now in one of the government’s financial institution governing body and I am doing Risk Assessment and Monitoring. Interesting right. InsyaAllah. May Allah give me the patience in learning and developing my love for the new job as much as how I loved doing accounting. Ameen.

Nursing Iris, The Trying Stage

It doesn’t really matter how many times you have given birth to. It is not relevant of how much or how long you have tried to breastfeed your child before you gave birth to the next one. It doesn’t count how much knowledge you have gained throughout your nursing experience with your other child before.

Generally most women will face the same nursing problem. This I gather when talking and exchanging notes with other nursing mothers, irrelevant whether they are new mommies or experienced mommies.

The first days when I held Iris for feeding I doubted myself that I ever had anything to feed her. I didn’t feel anything flow out from my breast and when pinched the nipple, I could see nothing comes out from it, so I was very sure that I did not have milk on my first day. Nevertheless, I still insisted on breastfeeding. Everytime, I prayed hard that my precious milk will flow eventually. Sadly, Iris couldn’t latch on. Either she didn’t know how to latch on properly or I didn’t know how to make her latch on. Either or… I failed. Everytime she tried to get some milk, she cried and screamed her lungs out coz nothing came out from the nipple. I bet she must have been very hungry. .

I was at a very trying stage. I wanted to give her the best; I believe all mothers do want to give their best to their child. I wanted Iris to have the first taste of my milk.

Going back to the night I gave birth to Iris, where I held her close to my chest, I almost hear her heartbeat. Although I tried to feed her, I knew that there wasn’t any milk yet. I murmured under my breath “Minum ye, ntah ada tidak susu mama ni”. The gynae must have heard me and she said “That’s ok. You got very good nipples there. Just let her keep sucking. Babies can live without milk for 5 days. InsyaAllah by the third day you’ll have your milk. But you must not stop her from sucking”. I held on to those words so tight. Although mom, MIL and aunties kept on pushing me to buy formula milk, I was so very stubborn, masuk telinga kanan keluar telinga kiri. Painfully, I let her cry and cry and cry for milk. A LOT OF WOMEN GO THROUGH THIS PHASE.

Alhamdulillah true enough, milk has started to fill up my breast by the third day. But due to latching on problem, Iris couldn’t be fed directly for long. My nipples were sore and sometimes bleeding. A LOT OF WOMEN GO THROUGH THIS PHASE. So I had to express my milk and let Iris drink from the bottle. But when I pump, I hardly get 2 oz both breasts. Still, I was so upset that I could not feed till full. She was only drinking 1oz per feeding from the bottle. So she was still crying hungrily. I cried together with her because I was helpless. The third night was the ultimate night, she cried non-stop. When we fed her from the bottle, the milk went inside her tummy and there was a sound like filling up an empty tong. I felt so sorry for my baby. That night, my mom, hubby and I cried together looking at Iris crying hungrily. For the 100^th time, mom told hubby to buy formula milk. And for the 1^st time, I agreed with that. I wasn’t giving up. I just wanted to feed my baby whatever ways.

That night I called up everyone I know in case they have breastshield so I dont feel so much pain when direct nursing. Unfortunately, nobody had. Iris didn't want to be fed through the sore nipple, she probably didnt like the taste. I didnt have formula milk to give her and expressing milk wasnt yielding great amount of milk. God, that was the longest night of my life. 

So the next day when we went for Iris’ jaundice checkup, hubby immediately bought S26 milk, the same kind I took when I was a baby. I took the opportunity to ask the doctor if I could be prescribed with the pill that can boost up my milk production. However, doctor was kind of against it as she said looking at my tender breasts, she knew I should be producing enough milk. And she told me that I shouldn’t judge my ability to produce milk based on what I could express. Babies can suck better than any other breastpump. So since my breasts were engorged, she advised me to continue expressing milk, wash and massage my breasts with warm water, and apply minyak gamat or nipple cream. However, I must make sure that I direct feed Iris at least twice in a day to give better stimulation.

I did exactly as how I was advised. I mixed the feeding with at most 3oz of S26 milk in a day. The rest I made sure she had my breastmilk. Sometimes, the days when I wasn’t very tired, and when I could express more, I didn’t have to feed her with formula milk. Alhamdulillah, this only went on for about three weeks or so, without realizing it, my nipples had recovered very well, I almost forgot how it supposed to look like. By the time of recovery, Iris was already fully fed on breasts and I could even start to express for extra stocks for the future.

Believe me when I say almost all mothers (majority) will go through the engorged breasts, the pain, the latching on problem, milk production problem, and that sort of things whether or not it is their first time. The only difference that experienced mom will enjoy is their calmness when going through these trying period. Because of their experiences, they know that they are not alone; these are common problems and need not to be worried.

No matter how much experience you have, every baby is first timer. Not all babies know how to latch on properly. And as how you always hear every pregnancy is different, be assured that every nursing period are different for different babies. For example I have a friend that had moderate milk when nursing first child, very little milk during her second child but had so much excessive milk for her third child. 

I may not have that much experience to advice, but I have so many friends around me with different level of experience, so I gathered my thoughts during our sharing sessions.

So do not worry like how I was. It is normal not to have milk in the beginning, if you are strong enough to hear her cry, you can wait till the fourth or fifth day but watch out for any signs of dehydration. If you are not strong enough, it is ok to supplement your babies with formula milk until you can produce enough. There is nothing wrong with giving formula milk, but try to give the good ones, you can check with your paed which ones are recommended. I would also advise not to give babies water, my paed was strongly against it. But if you are at any point where there is no formula milk and no breast milk, I guess it is ok to give a little bit of water. Don’t be too rigid. Like my MIL once said “korang dulu tu pon, omma bagi minum air, hidup je”. Oh Well..

Confinement Lady

I must admit that finding confinement lady to care for me during confinement period was the last thing on my list and I wasnt doing it very well. I wasn't prepared for this. And I regret this the most.

Two months before my due date, baru sibuk nak cari confinement lady. Mallas btol nak buat research semuanya macam sama aje. Tak tahu nak pilih yang mana. I was honestly hoping someone would just decide for me and say "ok, Izrin. use this lady's service for your confinement." haha punya malas.

Finally my mom's friend introduced me to a lady, Kak Shila who apparently has a post-natal service. She said she will give me good price, RM100 for massage, tungku and bengkung, adds RM50 to care for my baby and she would send me two therapist for that. I didn't think it was cheap, it was rather a standard price, tapi sebab dah last minute, I just agreed.

Agreed on few things:
1) Daily massage from the third day after delivery for 14 days, then selang tiga hari until the 44th day
2) She will bring in 2 therapist, 1 to take care of me, the other to settle my baby (bathe, tuam perut, jemur etc)
3) She will help me help me order jamu, the best that she knows
4) She will help me buy the big and long bengkung
5) She will help me buy cream untuk sapu kat perut before bengkung
6) She will bring something for me to apply at my vagina

She did not do ANY of the above!

1) She came the third day (Saturday) after i insisted, initially she said she could not come. She did not inform me that she is off on Sundays and public holidays (what kind of service is that?) Urut pantang wajib 3 hari berturut-turut the first time! She told me she couldnt come the next day until 3rd Jan (I gave birth 26th dec, btw)

2) She only brought 1 therapist with her to urut me, and she said she will take care of the baby herself. She only took my baby for jemur. RM50 for that MY ASS!

She did not bring anything that she promised to bring for me. So I was left with no jamu and no cream, no bengkung, and nothing for my vagina. Nasib baik, hubby ada beli bengkung from farmasi.

And so she didn't come the next day which was on Sunday. So we called another lady that used to massage my aunty, I call her Aunty Kama. Luckily she was available. She massages, tungku and bengkung and she charges RM80 for that.

Of course I didnt have a proper person to look after my meal, so sometimes, I eat according to pantang, sometimes, I just eat whatever people in my house eat. Nobody really knows how to prepare pantang food. Nobody also really takes care of my recovery, what ubat to eat, what ubat to apply to my vagina (I only know the khasiat of manjakani at the last week of my confinement period, how sad is that?) I feel sad that I am missing all these. They say that confinement period is the time that you regain everything. Get back your body shape, ensure that your body recovers, ensure tightening of your vagina...

I believe this is the most important thing to prepare. Based on my observation, those who really able to get someone to stay in, to look after you (body inside out) and your baby, is the best. So overall, I did not really enjoy my confinement. I shall do it better for my next baby. InsyaAllah...

Review 2012

Last year I didn't bother to review what I have achieved and what I have not achieved. Sebab tu banyak tak ter-achieve. So let's do it again. Yang achieve, syukur alhamdulillah..yang tidak tu..cuba lagi tahun 2013 (berapa banyak tahun dah carried forward niiii)

What I have achieved :)

1. First baby.
Alhamdulillah...paling bersyukur. After 8 months of marriage, Tuhan makbulkan. Syukur..thank you for choosing my womb, Imaan Iris..

2. Babymoon.
First year anniversary with hubby, I was already 2 months pregnant. So that was my babymoon, at Cherating.

3. Langkawi
I cannot even remember the last time I went to Langkawi, maybe I was 12 at that time. So 2012, brought me to Langkawi with hubby and my parents.

4. Start 10% salary in ASB
Alhamdulillah, tiap bulan tutup mata je, seolah-olah I never get that amount of money.. then kita akan redha dengan pemergian duit itu dari bank simpanan. It's for the future.

5. Korea
Went to Korea with hubby and MIL. Activity kali ni hanya pergi visiting hubby's relatives in Korea. It was really nice, cuma weather je tak best, was supposed to be autumn, but when we went there, it was still summer.

6. Involve in charity work
Kemas my wardrobe to give some space to my new baby girl. So most of my baju, we collected and donated to some kampung that my father and his friends have adopted and pledged to help every year.

7. Buy a house
Alhamdulillah, another big thing happened in my life. Hubby bought a house at Denai Alam, a super-linked house. That is our first new home that will be completed in 2014. Rezeki baby :)


Semoga 2013 dapat achieve yang lebih banyak tahun 2012. Ameen.

Check out my To-do list for 2013. Hope it's not too late to wish everyone HAPPY NEW 2013!!!

The birth of my first child

A quick summary of the whole labour thingy.

4 Dec 2012, I went to see Dr Siti, she did the vaginal examination and told me that I was already 3cm dilating. But I was then at my 36 weeks plus, which was at the borderline of being a term baby. She advised me to rest at home and continue with my weekly checkup, but straight away come to the labour room if I am feeling the contraction or if there is any blood show or if the waterbag burst. Read the story here.

12 Dec 2012, I went to see Dr Delaila, because Dr Siti was on vacation for 2 weeks plus. My baby was still not engaged then. I was still only 3 cm dilated. Read the story here.

20 Dec 2012, my 39th week checkup with Dr Delaila, she then confirmed that my baby has engaged. But still, I feel very normal. No signs of labour at all. Read the story here.

 26 Dec 2012, Dr Siti's back to the clinic, and it was my 40th week checkup appointment. Dr Siti was so surprised to see me still around. She checked I was still 3cm dialted, percaya tak?? It has been 3 weeks of only 3 cm opening? But only this time, I was fully effaced. 3 weeks ago, the dinding was still tebal. So she said since sudah fully effaced and already dilated, and I am already 1 day overdue (already term), she said she wouldn't want to wait long. Takut baby berak dalam perut. So she suggested to induce the baby out.

I was admitted to the labour room straight, that time it was 11am. I was asked if I wanted to eat anything first, I refused because I just had my breakfast at 8am earlier, little did I know that I was not gonna allowed to take any food once I enter the labour room.

Ini adalah labour room di SDMC.

At 12pm we started with CTG scan, dengar baby's heartbeat and monitor the contraction. After about half an hour the midwife came in and told me that the reading doesn't look fantastic. My baby's heartbeat was at sleeping pattern. It could be two things, either she was really sleeping, or it could be some kind of a complication (I really can't remember what was the scenario, I was too panic to focus on what she was saying) that requires me to do a c-sec. Doctor Siti advised me to take a walk for about 45 minutes and re-do the CTG scan, and thank god, the reading was back to normal. Meanwhile...still no contraction.

The midwife gave me ubat untuk berak. Sesuatu cecair yang di pancutkan ke dalam bontot. OK, tak perlu la  nak describe it, tapi effect dia... huh, within 2 minutes. Terasa kosong perut lepas tu. Dr Siti came by and checked my opening. It was already 4cm. Ntah kenapa kali ni, dia seluk terasa amat sakit. She then pecahkan air ketuban. Terasa air yang keluar tu sangat warm. Terasa macam tahan kencing selama seminggu and finally terkencing dalam seluar. Camtu la rasanya. Then, it was time to induce, masuk macam drip air slowly, killing me hour by hour.

Well, memula tu ada rasa contraction tapi tak la sakit sangat, tapi lama-lama...... I think start sakit sangat masa pukul 4pm onwards. Camne rasa sakit contraction? Macam period pain, tapi the intensity is 200 times more than normal period pain, indescribable. And it gets more and more intensed by the hour.

I remembered the midwife gave me a few options on pain management. And if I want to take those, I have to request before the cervix dilated to 6cm. At first, I was contemplating, I know some people who went through labour without taking any pain killer. My sister in law is one of them. So to me, probably the pain is bearable, so I planned to go without anything. TETAPI, at 5cm dilation, memang tak tahan, sakit dia tuhan je tahu. I was lack of oxygen, they had to give me some breathing assistance. My baby's heartbeat was going low and low everytime the contraction comes. Hubby got to remind me to breathe in so that my baby could also breathe. But I was lack of oxygen, I couldnt breathe in, I felt so warm in the labour room, I was sweating, I thought I was gonna die.

Every contraction hubby had to remind me "Breathe in sayang, baby's heartbeat is dropping", and when I hear that, I gathered my strength to breathe, ntah dari mana semangat tu datang, just for my baby. At 5cm dilation, I asked the midwife to cucuk my bontot with Pethidine (which only relief 20% of the pain). Oh, tak rasa macam amik pain killer langsung. Masih sakit kay. Dia cuma bagi khayal and tido jer kot. Tapi bila contraction datang.... huh! Betul-betul rasa macam nyawa kat hujung tanduk, seriously, I am not exaggerating. Rasa nak mati tu bukan sebab sakit contraction tu, by the way, jangan salah sangka, rasa nak mati tu datangnya daripada tak cukup oxygen, bila takleh nak tarik nafas, tu yang rasa nak mati tu.

Berkali-kali jugak la, midwife datang untuk seluk vagina nak tengok berapa cm dah bukak. Lepas 6cm onwards, sakit contraction makin menjadi-jadi. Somewhere along the way, the midwife gave me the laughing gas, I didn't ask for it though. Dia bagi, amik je la. Sedut gas ni memang best. I would say relief jugak la sakit contraction yang semakin teruk tu.

Midwife kept asking me "Ada rasa nak terberak tak? Kalau ada rasa nak terberak panggil ok?" And everytime contraction comes, hubby kept on asking "Ada rasa nak terberak tak?" Sebenarnya memang ada rasa nak terberak dah 2-3 jam yang lalu dah, I dont understand apekah maksud nak terberak tu. So when they kept asking while I was in pain, seriously rasa nak penampar je sapa yang tanya tu.

Finally at 10pm, I heard the midwife said "9.5cm bukak, panggil doctor jap eh.." OMG, it's time! AND, surprisingly at that very moment, hilang terus rasa sakit contraction. Although the contraction reading tu semakin tinggi, tapi memang tak sakit, yang rasa hanya rasa nak terberak! Oh, ini maksudnya nak terberak, macam ada sesuatu nak terkeluar dari bawah ni yang sangat keras.

Dr Siti came in, together with 3 other midwives and my husband, semua suruh I push push push. Everytime ada contraction, I have to teran sekuat hati. To be honest, I wasn't doing very well in the beginning. Each contraction boleh tarik nafas and teran sebanyak 3 long ones. Tapi I could only do two times. Hey, dont blame me. I had lack of oxygen, and my last meal was 14 hours ago. Mana ada tenaga beb! They kept on saying "Teran macam nak berak keras" and hubby said I actually shouted (I dont remember though) "Mana ada berak keras sangat macam niiiiiii!!!!???"

Dr Siti told me that if I don't do it right baby will be suffocated sebab kepala baby asyik keluar bila teran then masuk balik when I inhale, What they want is kepala baby to keluar and tak masuk-masuk dah, so I had to do it fast and take every chance I have on every contraction. Mendengar kan baby akan suffocate, sekali lagi, semangat yang datang ntah dari mana kuat balik. Maka teran la aku like there's no tomorrow. Doctor also performed episiotomy, untuk besarkan lubang nak keluarkan kepala baby, and dia potong tu tak rasa pon, walaupun dengar bunyi gunting tu.

Teran punya teran, tetiba at 10.48pm terasa perut kempis dari selalu and ada rasa sesuatu yang sangat panas placed on my tummy. It was the baby, and she was purple. Ya Allah... did I almost lose her because I had no energy to push her out. Oh God, Alhamdulillah.. dia selamat dikeluarkan jugak. Syukur, ya Allah....

Doctor asked my hubby if he wanted to cut the tali pusat, and he said yes. Dia potong tali pusat tu while she was on me, although I don't remember that scene. Then they took her away untuk cuci segala.

Introducing little Imaan Iris Binti Muhamad Shazali, weighed 3.4kg. Lepas cuci, she was no more purple. She was as white as snow, lips as red as blood, I swear she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life.

Then doctor keluarkan uri pulak dari perut together with apa-apa saja benda yang telah bersarang dalam perut ni selama 9 bulan. I dont know about other people but to me, keluarkan uri ni agak sakit la, sebab doktor tu seluk masuk dalam vagina untuk tarik keluar. After that, doctor jahit potongan tadi. but before that dia inject local anesthetic kat peha, so tak rasa la sakit menjahit tu. Terasa sangat lega lepas tu.

Then they put Iris on my chest tapi she did not latch on straight away. I had the privilege to hold her for a while, before they took her to the nursery to warm her up.

I was changed to a single bedded room at about 1am. That was the longest night in my life.

Syukur...ya Allah. May you be everything that your name spells out. Be faithful and be the iris of my eyes forever...