Gmail

I got an email from "google" saying this -

We are deleting some accounts and your email was automatically chosen to be deleted. If you are still interested in using our email service please fill in the space below for verification purpose by clicking the reply button:

Gmail ID: matrempit91
Pass Word:otaibesarossi
Age:19
Occupation:rider
Present City:kay ell

Warning!!! Account owner that refuses to update his or her account within Seven days of receiving this warning will lose his or her account permanently.

Thank you for using Gmail !

The Gmail Team


*felt like clicking reply to 'google' with all the 'information' above. Dumbass!

You made me laugh

Statements that really make me laugh like mad. Really my best medicine.


Situation 1:

Hari hujan, nenek cakap, “Badan kalau ada lemak boleh tahan sejuk. Macam nenek ni, badan dah kosong” Hahah.. she meant badan dah takder lemak.


Situation 2:

In the room with air-cond on. Nenek said, “Pasang air-cond lembik-lembik”.. And she actually meant, dia tak tahan sejuk, so higher the temperature please.

Situation 3:

My brother was in the car with my mom and myself. Lalu kat gerai jual buah nangka. He said, “Mama, mama, stop kejap beli buah nangka. Nak buat cempedak goreng” WTH. Mana ada nangka jadi cempedak. He is 23.


Situation 4:

Nenek dalam hospital for 6 days. Ali keep her company in the hospital and yes, it has been 6 days. Nenek cakap, “Shazali, asyik terperap je kat dalam bilik hospital ni. Pergilah jalan-jalan buang angin.” Well, she meant to say “Pergilah jalan-jalan ambil angin”.

mufc - champians of engrand

Kentut Lah Lagi

Seorang wartawan lelaki telah di tugaskan membuat liputan dan siasatan mengenai aktiviti kelab gay di Bukit Bintang. Dia di kehendaki menyamar sebagai gay. Wartawan itu dengan senang hati menggayakan pakaian dan cara seorang gay. Setelah seminggu mempelajari tingkahlaku dan gaya seorang gay, akhirnya pada malam minggu itu wartawan itu masuk ke kelab gay tersebut.

Wartawan itu dipasang dengan microphone n camera bersaiz kecil bagi merakam segala aksi dan aktiviti di kelab gay tersebut. Setelah masuk wartawan itu terus menuju ke bar utama dan memesan segelas bir. Dia hanya duduk sambil memerhatikan gelagat-gelagat gay di kelab tersebut. Ada yang menari dan ada yang duduk sambil berpeluk-pelukan sesama lelaki. Wartawan itu merasa geli geleman melihat tingkahlaku mereka.

"Hai...sorang ke bro", tiba-tiba wartawan itu di sapa.... See More

"A'ah, saya tunggu kawan saya. Tak sampai-sampai lagi ni", kata wartawan itu separuh menjerit kerana kebingitan muzik di kelab itu.

Tiba-tiba wartawan itu berasa sakit perut. Rasa seperti ingin kentut sahaja.

"Muzik tengah kuat ni bolehlah aku kentut ni", bisik hati wartawan itu.

Wartawan itu pun melepaskan kentutnya. Satu demi satu. Berturut-turutan. Tiba-tiba muzik rancak itu berhenti kerana DJ nya ingin menukar ke lagu perlahan. Sementara proses pertukaran lagu itu kentut wartawan itu telah di dengari oleh gay-gay yg berhampiran dengan wartawan itu.

"Eh eh... ada dara lagi la kat sini", ujar salah seorang gay di situ sambil memandang wartawan itu.

"A'ah lah... kat depan kita ada dara", ujar yang lain pula.

Semua gay di situ telah pergi mendapatkan wartawan itu. Semua wajah mereka menunjukkan keghairahan nafsu yang ketara.

"Saya bukan dara lagi la", ujar wartawan itu.

"Kalau dah tak dara kenapa kentut. Kuat lak tu. Sempit tuu...", ujar salah seorang gay itu.

Tergamam wartawan itu. Akhirnya dirinya di noda secara bergilir-gilir oleh pengunjung kelab gay itu. Menangis teresak-esak wartawan itu. Akhirnya nikmat kentut sudah tidak akan dapat dirasai lagi sepanjang hidupnya.

Moral kepada lelaki : Jangan berkentut dihadapan GAY. AWAS!!

F

Irish Joke

A friend posted them on FB and I thought it was funny enough to be re-posted.

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only
raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free..

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub".

Kisah dia dan buku

Last Sunday, we decided to stay home. Watched Slumdog Millionaire from the computer and then later on we started to do some work. Ali did some studying next to me.


After a while...


Ali: Hun, kejut i in 5 minutes. I nak tido jap.. ngantok!


Me: ok.


Ali: 5 minutes jer tau?


Me: ok!


5 minutes later....


krohh krohh krohhhhhhh!!!!


In my heart: Huh, sedap nya dia tido.. berdengkur..tak sampai hati nak gerak.. biar lah dia tido..


Half and hour after....


Ali: Asal u tak kejut i??? (marah)!! haihhh... u should have kejut i.. kenapa lah u didn't??????


Me: i tak sampai hati nak kejut...


Ali: Kejut jer la... kan i dah kata 5 minute jer?


Me: Haihh... asal marah sgt ni??


Ali: Tengok lah ni....

Air liur basi!!!!!



Padan lah marah sangat.... :p

You and lion

Got an email from a friend. A so-called puzzle!


Imagine you are in Africa. You have been tied hanging on a tree with
a rope anchored on the ground, a candle is slowly burning the rope,
and the lion is waiting for you to drop and be his lunch.



Your survival hinges on the rope staying intact, there is no one
around to help you. What to do now ..........


So banyakla orang yang cuba menjawab... Antara jawapannya:

1. Cry
2. Poo on the lion
3. Spit on the lion.
4. Goyang kan badan

And the closest to the real answer is...

5. Nyanyi until it rains then the lion will go away.

But apparently, none of the above is right. The answer is......


SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY SONG (so the candle wont burn the rope).

Stupid Tom n Jerry joke!

SINGH is KING

Pernahkah kita maki dia Singh celaka - EXCO Pemuda umno.


reeeeeeeezal oh reeeeeeeezal...adakah anda bangang atau bahlol....sejak bila pemuda umno is equivalent to Melayu. Mr Karpal specifically mentioned pemuda umno yg celaka....bukan melayu. BODOH!

Sadly enough, it is people like these that will drive and lead to the collapse of UMNO. Blaming others as racists is never going to help if you yourselves are the biggest scum in the country.

Kisah di tandas

Talking about somebody I love... must always have something to bring in with him every time he goes into the toilet to poo. Sometimes bike magazines, sometimes newspapers and sometimes Sudoku. Today he brought Sudoku inside with him. Sedang seronok membuang..dan sedang concentrate pada Sudoku, tetiba his pen punya cap terjatuh inside the bowl! He went and pick it up....FROM the bowl....ANTARA bahan-bahan buangan.. :p adoihhh!!!

Miscommunication

Without mentioning names, one of our co-workers got a pen stuck inside our printer. He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk. So he grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled on it. I left before he finished the note.

About 20 minutes later, one of the techs comes in laughing and says he just saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate.


Attached is what he found.

Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to........
Courtesy: Hazrina Hamzah

Marriage joke

Courtesy: Nurhazrina Hamzah


Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an
hour.'
Husband : 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife : 'Yes or no.'
-------------------------------
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your
picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there
be greater than this one?'
--------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever Girl:
'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and
lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or
troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
----------------------------
Son: ' Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give
up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father
hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO
LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
------------------------------------------------------------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
-------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or
my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of
humor!'

Iklan Colgate

Last night, few friends came over for dinner. This is the effect of not being under mom and dad’s supervision. :p

Idea asal: Azman

Object used: Kulit limau

Model: En Fairuz, Duathlete Azman, Triathlete Ali, Izrin

Not in the picture: Runner Ayman

Fairuz

Ali

Azman (I don't know why, but they really look like gigi)

Ali muka gatal..hahah

Festive Seasons

A sophisticated looking Indian lady walks into a tattoo shop and sits down. The owner, amazed at see ing such a sophisticated lady in his shop, runs over immediately and asks if he could help her.

To his shock and utter delight, she lifts up her silk sari and points to her right inner thigh - very high up. 'Right here,' she says, 'I want you to tattoo a clay lamp and underneath it I want the word Diwali.'

Then she points to her left thigh just as high up and says, 'On this side, I want you to tattoo an evergreen tree with lights and tinsel and an angel on top and underneath it I want the word Christmas.'

The owner looks at her. 'Ooh, lady, it's none of my business, but that is probably the most unusual request I've ever heard. Why in the world do you want to do that?

'Well,' the lady said, 'I'm sick and tired of my husband always complaining that there's never anything good to enjoy between Diwali and Christmas.

Happy hours

Today, I saw something funny on a friend’s profile in facebook. He had added the ‘Have sex’ application on his profile. His profile name is Kok Mun. A person has actually clicked on it (I presume it was his girlfriend.) so it appeared at the application as:

“1 person had sex with Kok.”

Hmm…. Then, with what?? :p

This is the effect of working without boss supervision. Today, my boss was not in, and everybody was having fun working with a little flavor of facebooking! This was my most efficient day in the past 1 month.

Fair Comment? Public Interest?

taken from malaysiatoday

Baby talk sounds German

Yesterday my father’s youngest sister sent over her two kids to my house for baby-sitting while she and hubby take a trip to Egypt for about a week. Her eldest son, Aqil, 3 years old is very hyper, yet obedient. Whereas his youngest sister, 5 month old, a very big and pleasant baby. She only cries when she poo. This morning, Aqil came to me and told me that he wanted to sing a song that he just learnt in taska.

“Kalau berak, tepuk tangan, kalau berak tepuk tangan, kalau berak tepuk tangan (and he clapped)
Kalau berak tatak kaki, kalau berak tatak kaki, kalau berak tatak kaki (and he stamped his feet)”

After 5 times singing the same song to me, I finally realized that he was singing

“Kalau anda rasa gembira tepuk tangan, kalau anda rasa gembira tepuk tangan, kalau anda rasa gembira, begitu lah caranya kalau anda rasa gembira teput tangan,

Kalau anda rasa gembira hentak kaki, kalau anda rasa gembira hentak kaki, kalau anda rasa gembira, begitu lah caranya, kalau anda rasa gembira hentak kaki”

Somehow, the word gembira becomes berak. Hmmm..

Later he sang to me the “ABC” song. But his song went “A B C D E F G H I J K EI AM OEPI , KU AI FLUGHAREL SCHEIBE SCHALLEFE WOCHENENDE……” Well, if Simon Cowell is going to comment on his singing he would probably say “ I think you’ve got the rhythm right, but somehow along the way, you changed your language from English to German”.

Mummy Jokes

Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner.....who lives with a girl
roommate Sunita . During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't
help but notice how pretty Kumar's roommate was. She had long been
suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her
more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than
met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates.
" About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose
she took it, do you?"

Kumar said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mother:

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house,
I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate.
But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Kumar
Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read

Dear Son:

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita , and I'm not saying that
you 'do not' sleep with Sunita .
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now under the pillow...

Love,
Mom.

Strong Baby...

When grandma goes to the court

The best that I've had today:

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, an elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked "Mrs Jones, do you know me?" She responded "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly you've been a big dissapointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people, and talk about them behind their backs. You think you are a big shot , when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you"

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked "Mrs Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied "Why yes, I do. I have known Mr Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counsels to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you idiots ask her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."