The passing of my papa

I have not blogged about this. Mainly because I do not know where to start.

I don't know if I should talk about his sickness. Or should I talk about the time when we got to know that he had only months of surviving. Or should I talk about the fact that I was pregnant while we got to know. Or about our effort in finding suitable living donors for him. And that my husband volunteered to be tested as donor. My divided heart to save my father or to stop my husband from that operation risks so that he could see our unborn child. Our quest back and forth to Singapore to get medical assistance. Shall I talk about my frustration that I could not take care of my own sick father because I have a newborn that needed my attention. I don't know if I should talk about the last 10 days that all of us had together at the ICU SJMC. Our feeling when we knew he had only days. My feeling to see his last breath.

I really don't know where to start.

But I just would like to express my utmost gratitude to all my family members, my husband that has been the great man he is, trying to balance his time between my dad and my baby, my other family members, aunties, uncles, cousins, my other extended family...for being at the hospital everyday throughout the last 10 days of his breath. His beloved MCKK friends that came to the hospital everyday during the last 10 days, I cannot imagine the love that they had for him is just so great. My in laws for being there always, helping to take care of my kids so that I can go into the ICU to be with my dad. And one thing that I am forever grateful to a nurse at the cardiac ward level 2 opposite the ICU, who helped to hold my newborn at 3am in the morning so that I could go in to the ICU to be with papa when he took his last breath. I am forever thankful to Allah for keeping me strong, for giving the best antibody to my newborn, so that she can be with me at the hospital during the first 40 days of her life.

I watched him go. And I watched him smile before he go. And held his hands and kissed him goodbye. He will always be in my prayers, in my mind, and there is a little place in my heart that will be his forever, the first man I ever loved. And he said during my wedding that I will always be his little girl. That, I will always be.

I wish I can still hug and kiss you like that. And sit on your lap like that.

I love you, papa. Semoga tenang di sana. Semoga rohmu adalah bersama orang orang yang beriman di samping Allah s.w.t. Semoga diterima segala amalannya, Ameen.

I shall blog more about my memory of him so my daughters will know him as how I do.

When I ask Imaan where is atok? She would say "dekat syurga"
Ameen.