The passing of my papa

I have not blogged about this. Mainly because I do not know where to start.

I don't know if I should talk about his sickness. Or should I talk about the time when we got to know that he had only months of surviving. Or should I talk about the fact that I was pregnant while we got to know. Or about our effort in finding suitable living donors for him. And that my husband volunteered to be tested as donor. My divided heart to save my father or to stop my husband from that operation risks so that he could see our unborn child. Our quest back and forth to Singapore to get medical assistance. Shall I talk about my frustration that I could not take care of my own sick father because I have a newborn that needed my attention. I don't know if I should talk about the last 10 days that all of us had together at the ICU SJMC. Our feeling when we knew he had only days. My feeling to see his last breath.

I really don't know where to start.

But I just would like to express my utmost gratitude to all my family members, my husband that has been the great man he is, trying to balance his time between my dad and my baby, my other family members, aunties, uncles, cousins, my other extended family...for being at the hospital everyday throughout the last 10 days of his breath. His beloved MCKK friends that came to the hospital everyday during the last 10 days, I cannot imagine the love that they had for him is just so great. My in laws for being there always, helping to take care of my kids so that I can go into the ICU to be with my dad. And one thing that I am forever grateful to a nurse at the cardiac ward level 2 opposite the ICU, who helped to hold my newborn at 3am in the morning so that I could go in to the ICU to be with papa when he took his last breath. I am forever thankful to Allah for keeping me strong, for giving the best antibody to my newborn, so that she can be with me at the hospital during the first 40 days of her life.

I watched him go. And I watched him smile before he go. And held his hands and kissed him goodbye. He will always be in my prayers, in my mind, and there is a little place in my heart that will be his forever, the first man I ever loved. And he said during my wedding that I will always be his little girl. That, I will always be.

I wish I can still hug and kiss you like that. And sit on your lap like that.

I love you, papa. Semoga tenang di sana. Semoga rohmu adalah bersama orang orang yang beriman di samping Allah s.w.t. Semoga diterima segala amalannya, Ameen.

I shall blog more about my memory of him so my daughters will know him as how I do.

When I ask Imaan where is atok? She would say "dekat syurga"
Ameen.

Amaal jatuh katil

It is nerve wrecking just to read the title right?

Yes, Amaal fell from the bed at 8 month old. Who else can share experience with me other than my beloved FB followers.

It happened last week when I was down with fever. On normal nights, I usually don't sleep well, don't really remember how good it feels to really sleep since 3 years ago. Especially with Amaal.

Amaal is a good baby who doesn't cry at night for milk. She will just start to move a little bit and I can hear her when she does that and I will wake up and feed her. Every night since she was born she never cry at night for milk. I just know..it is mother's instinct. But that night....... my instinct failed me after I took my medicine. I just dozed off and went flat.

Out of sudden, in the middle of the night I heard a loud boom on the floor immediately followed by Amaal crying. I woke up but my heart was racing to the sound. I saw her lying face down on the floor and she was crying oh so loudly. My heart sank. No! CRUSHED!

She was inconsolable for a while until I offered to feed her. She straight away sleep while suckling. I cried looking at her and I felt like banging my head on the wall while hubby googled to find out what can we do in the wee hours.

Hubby told me to wake her up don't let her sleep, open her eyes to see if they are red, to check for internal bleeding. Alhamdulillah there was none and she was quite responsive when I tried to open her eyes. I looked at the clock, it was 2.30am. I let her sleep in my arms, and didn't sleep the rest of the night.

Believe me when I said I just watched her sleep. It got me thinking how on earth did she fall from the bed. We sleep on a king-sized bed, just the two of us and only covered half of the bed. I put hard pillows on her other side and as I watched her sleep I noticed that she doesn't move much. The most would just be turning to the other side, she doesn't stray far from me. She is not like Imaan who sleeps all over the place. She remained at her spot until morning. I wonder how.

So anyway, I waited patiently for the morning to come to see if she was gonna be weak or active. She woke up with this smile.

How beautiful she is. Just look at her.

She was laughing and playing and calling people and babbles more than she ever had. I still took her to see the paed though just to be satisfied with myself.

The paed checked her eyes for internal bleeding, checked her responses, checked the head, the breathing everything she could check. It was a thorough check. She said that Amaal looks fine. Just a bit of bum on her forehead due to the fall but worry not, the skull at the forehead is very strong.

I was told to monitor her closely for 24 hours for the following symptoms:
1. Vommit
2. Less eat/milk
3. red eye
4. crying/uneasy/cranky for no reason
5. change in behaviour
6. weak and do not response
7. Fever

If any of the symptom above appear within 24 hours, I have to rush her to the ER. Otherwise, she will be fine.

That was the longest 24-hours of my life! I didn't sleep until the I passed the 24 hours. And I thank Allah that everything was ok. Syukur Ya Allah.

By the way out of 20 comments in my fb post about this incident, only 3 person gave me advices (shows that it never happen to them). The rest actually shared that it happens to all their children/child, some for many times.

I feel very normal. :)