Starting again?

Everytime I want to start writing again, then something stopped me. Then I miss writing, then I start again, then another thing stopped me. And it goes on and on.

My life update before I start with more writing...

Imaan Iris is now 3 years 4 months old

My little Amaal Jasmine is now 1 year 3 months old.

So occupied with these two kiddos that I don't have much time to write. Writing is like talking to myself, I loooooveeee talking to myself. I do that all the time when I am driving alone. But of coz the difference between just verbally talking and writing is that, I can always go back to my blog and remember what is it that I was telling myself at that time.

At this particular time actually I miss papa.

So much. Wish he could see my babies grow up.

Al-fatihah.

The passing of my papa

I have not blogged about this. Mainly because I do not know where to start.

I don't know if I should talk about his sickness. Or should I talk about the time when we got to know that he had only months of surviving. Or should I talk about the fact that I was pregnant while we got to know. Or about our effort in finding suitable living donors for him. And that my husband volunteered to be tested as donor. My divided heart to save my father or to stop my husband from that operation risks so that he could see our unborn child. Our quest back and forth to Singapore to get medical assistance. Shall I talk about my frustration that I could not take care of my own sick father because I have a newborn that needed my attention. I don't know if I should talk about the last 10 days that all of us had together at the ICU SJMC. Our feeling when we knew he had only days. My feeling to see his last breath.

I really don't know where to start.

But I just would like to express my utmost gratitude to all my family members, my husband that has been the great man he is, trying to balance his time between my dad and my baby, my other family members, aunties, uncles, cousins, my other extended family...for being at the hospital everyday throughout the last 10 days of his breath. His beloved MCKK friends that came to the hospital everyday during the last 10 days, I cannot imagine the love that they had for him is just so great. My in laws for being there always, helping to take care of my kids so that I can go into the ICU to be with my dad. And one thing that I am forever grateful to a nurse at the cardiac ward level 2 opposite the ICU, who helped to hold my newborn at 3am in the morning so that I could go in to the ICU to be with papa when he took his last breath. I am forever thankful to Allah for keeping me strong, for giving the best antibody to my newborn, so that she can be with me at the hospital during the first 40 days of her life.

I watched him go. And I watched him smile before he go. And held his hands and kissed him goodbye. He will always be in my prayers, in my mind, and there is a little place in my heart that will be his forever, the first man I ever loved. And he said during my wedding that I will always be his little girl. That, I will always be.

I wish I can still hug and kiss you like that. And sit on your lap like that.

I love you, papa. Semoga tenang di sana. Semoga rohmu adalah bersama orang orang yang beriman di samping Allah s.w.t. Semoga diterima segala amalannya, Ameen.

I shall blog more about my memory of him so my daughters will know him as how I do.

When I ask Imaan where is atok? She would say "dekat syurga"
Ameen.

Amaal jatuh katil

It is nerve wrecking just to read the title right?

Yes, Amaal fell from the bed at 8 month old. Who else can share experience with me other than my beloved FB followers.

It happened last week when I was down with fever. On normal nights, I usually don't sleep well, don't really remember how good it feels to really sleep since 3 years ago. Especially with Amaal.

Amaal is a good baby who doesn't cry at night for milk. She will just start to move a little bit and I can hear her when she does that and I will wake up and feed her. Every night since she was born she never cry at night for milk. I just know..it is mother's instinct. But that night....... my instinct failed me after I took my medicine. I just dozed off and went flat.

Out of sudden, in the middle of the night I heard a loud boom on the floor immediately followed by Amaal crying. I woke up but my heart was racing to the sound. I saw her lying face down on the floor and she was crying oh so loudly. My heart sank. No! CRUSHED!

She was inconsolable for a while until I offered to feed her. She straight away sleep while suckling. I cried looking at her and I felt like banging my head on the wall while hubby googled to find out what can we do in the wee hours.

Hubby told me to wake her up don't let her sleep, open her eyes to see if they are red, to check for internal bleeding. Alhamdulillah there was none and she was quite responsive when I tried to open her eyes. I looked at the clock, it was 2.30am. I let her sleep in my arms, and didn't sleep the rest of the night.

Believe me when I said I just watched her sleep. It got me thinking how on earth did she fall from the bed. We sleep on a king-sized bed, just the two of us and only covered half of the bed. I put hard pillows on her other side and as I watched her sleep I noticed that she doesn't move much. The most would just be turning to the other side, she doesn't stray far from me. She is not like Imaan who sleeps all over the place. She remained at her spot until morning. I wonder how.

So anyway, I waited patiently for the morning to come to see if she was gonna be weak or active. She woke up with this smile.

How beautiful she is. Just look at her.

She was laughing and playing and calling people and babbles more than she ever had. I still took her to see the paed though just to be satisfied with myself.

The paed checked her eyes for internal bleeding, checked her responses, checked the head, the breathing everything she could check. It was a thorough check. She said that Amaal looks fine. Just a bit of bum on her forehead due to the fall but worry not, the skull at the forehead is very strong.

I was told to monitor her closely for 24 hours for the following symptoms:
1. Vommit
2. Less eat/milk
3. red eye
4. crying/uneasy/cranky for no reason
5. change in behaviour
6. weak and do not response
7. Fever

If any of the symptom above appear within 24 hours, I have to rush her to the ER. Otherwise, she will be fine.

That was the longest 24-hours of my life! I didn't sleep until the I passed the 24 hours. And I thank Allah that everything was ok. Syukur Ya Allah.

By the way out of 20 comments in my fb post about this incident, only 3 person gave me advices (shows that it never happen to them). The rest actually shared that it happens to all their children/child, some for many times.

I feel very normal. :)
 
 

My second princess: Amaal Jasmine Binti Muhamad Shazali

Amaal is now close to 8 months old. And only now I have the time to update the labour story. I have been so busy with these two kiddos, can't even open my lappie at home.

I love to reminisce especially remembering the birth of my children. I was at 36 weeks when Dr Noraini told me the baby seemed big, since I insisted on normal delivery if possible, she suggested to induce out the baby. She wanted the pregnancy to pass 37 weeks to ensure baby has matured and ready to go out. Baby was 3.2kg at that time. She was worried if the baby is big and I force for normal delivery and finally if I find that I couldn't and have to opt for czer, I will have to go through both kinds of labour with two cuts, down and up at the belly. So she was very adamant for me to force the labour once I pass 37 weeks.

I went to see Dr Noraini again at 37 weeks, but the baby has not engaged. I told the doctor to wait another week, I was hoping for natural labour to come. On and off, I was admitted at the hospital because baby started to either move very slow or did not move at all. At 38.5 weeks, when I went for my weekly checkup, baby was already 3.6kg. My first daughter was born at 3.4kg, so that was the maximum I guess I didn't want to wait for her to be any bigger than that. That was when I decided to induce my labour. My decision was based on:

1. I have no history of czer (Moms with history of czer, can go into czer op again after inducing the baby. That is what I heard. Not sure though)
2. I have passed 38 weeks (estimation of minus 2 weeks is 36 weeks, at least it is considered a term baby, not a premature)

I knew she was ready for the world. I just knew.

On 26 January 2015, I was admitted to SDMC in the evening, so I can be ready to be induced early morning the next day.

So I had my feast that evening, nasi lemak, burger, subway you name it!

The next morning, I woke up early and showered, and had my make up on (A MUST!). Lesson learnt, you look like shit after labour. So having make up on, will reduce the shittiness.

Doctor came in at 8am to break my waterbag and she told me to wait half an hour for any natural contraction. I had nothing! So at 8.30 am, I was induced. At this point, I honestly forgot how it felt like the first time with Imaan.

Man, this was fast. It was getting more and more intense by the minute. If I had about 10 hours of labour with Imaan, this time was just about 4 hours. By 11am I was in deeeeep pain and I asked the nurse for pethidine (pain killer that makes you sleep in between the pain). Mind you, the pain still come! It is not like Epidural where you can totally enjoy your labour.Any pain killer must be taken at certain time before certain size of cervix opening. I had mine at 5cm.

The next time the nurse came in for VE, I heard her say 6cm, one hour later, I was in so much pain like she was coming out already. I called the nurse, she checked me again, it was already 9cm. That fast!

The nurses were rushing around calling the doctor and they told me to hold. I shouted and I said I cant wait anymore!!!!!!! I saw the doctor rushing in and started to wear gloves and the boots and I told her, "Doctor, I really cant wait ....."eghhhhhhhhhhh (pushing)!!! Then the doc said "ok ok you can start..." In 3 push, alhamdulillah!!!!!!! A beautiful beatiful chubby baby girl.

Doc took her and put her on my chest, I felt soo warm and heavy. I heard the doc said "This is definitely not 3.6kg!" They weighed her...she was 4.1kg! Alhamdulillah....

Syukur Ya Allah!

I hope its still not too late to wish for Amaal Jasmine and pray for her semoga menjadi anak yang soleh dan penuh amal, as pretty as jasmine!! Secanti dan sewangi namamu. Ameen..

 

Wishlist for my second baby

I am now 8 months preggy...yes one more month..sooo near yet so far. I haven't got anything for my little princess yet, because I have been pretty tied up with a lot of things happening in my family, my dad has been unwell for quite some time, and I am maidless... So I can't even think of going shopping for the baby, not even a second. Although it's going to be another girl, it's gonna be a lot of hand-me-down thingy... but I still have to buy few other things. Those things are either stuff that I still have but still being used by my little Iris, or some things that I have never had with Iris.

The list goes.....

1. Feeding bottles newborn starter pack
2. Bottle detergents
3. Diaper
4. Bath set includes baby towel and bath tub
5. Toiletries set
6. Baby cloth detergent
7. Baby carrier that can use for feeding and normal position
8. Car seat booster (Halford premier  booster) for Iris
9. Butterfly stroller for Iris
10. Nursery bag (Trying to get hubby to buy Kate Spade's) hahahah
11. New bedding set
12. Changing table
13. Baby swaddle zap type
14. Rocking chair/bouncer
15. Breast pump Eve love Lily
16. Some new baby clothing

Banyak jugakkan.

And based on experience with Iris, I just have to prepare a small pack of formula milk JUST IN CASE, and the nipple soothing stuff (cream, nipple shield etc). I can still remember the first few weeks after Iris was born, I was facing problem with breasfeeding such as milk not stimulated well (Iris was not really good at latching), nipple sore and all other sort of things. So just be prepared.

3 more weeks to full term. I can't wait to meet you..

2nd baby: When I got to know

Let's just reminisce the day I found out I was pregnant.

We did plan to have our second baby anytime soon as we THOUGHT we were ready. Every month I constantly calculating my menstrual cycle and put notes on the calendar of the dates that I THOUGHT I should be ovulating. Unfortunately, we never had and never made time to try to conceive during those days. But I kept on calculating every month anyway. And kept on missing it.

I was late for two months. As what happened when I was pregnant with Iris. I missed my period for two months. But with Iris, I checked using the home test kit the first month and it was negative. It only came out as positive the second month. This time, I didn't bother to check the first month I missed my period, but I just tried the second time, without any hope at all because I knew we did not hit any of the ovulating dates. I tested simply because I had one extra kit at home and I thought..oh well.. just use it.

Its the second time, I still suck at reading the results. So it doesn't look negative, but the other line was unclear. I went to the nearest GP and tested my urine AGAIN, and this time supported by a doctor that I was pregnant. I made an appointment to see a gynae in SDMC. This time, I tried Dr Noraini because the earliest date to get Dr Siti (my previous gynae) was weeks after...so long I couldn't wait anymore. I got an appointment with Dr Noraini, she looks like Dr Siti though. But she was way too accommodating than Dr Siti, because you know Dr Siti has too many patients, she cannot afford to spend time talking to you and ask you how you were feeling.

But Dr Noraini actually spend some time while scanning to tell you what she thinks your womb or your baby looks like, and after scanning, she spend some time tell you what to do, what not to do, what to expect, and asked me if I had anything to ask. No rush.

This was my first scan.

She said I have a very nice round sac. Still cannot see the baby it was still really small. But we could hear his heartbeat. Although I missed two months period, the baby's size and the frequency of his heartbeat was actually just 6 weeks. Since I missed two months of period, they don't commensurate at all. So doctor was worried if the baby was under-developed.

Prescribed me with Duphaston to strengthen my womb and to prevent threatened abortion. She told me to stop breastfeeding my toddler and to come back and see her after 10 days to see the baby's growth. If the baby's growth suddenly spurt because of Duphaston, she would conclude that the baby didn't grow well because of breastfeeding. But if the growth is stable and showing 7 weeks of size, then there is nothing wrong, the first month I missed my period was supposed to be negative, just like when I was with Iris.

After 10 days, the result was as the latter. So I didn't need to continue with Duphaston, my womb was alright, and doctor said I could still breastfeed but it is a risk that I had to take. Not everybody can breastfeed while pregnant because breastfeeding brings a different hormone that pregnancy don't need and it will supress the hormone that pregnancy needs. But then again, you see and hear a lot of people even manage to tandem nurse their toddler and baby. But it is an individual risk, and it depends on your body.

So I continued to breastfeed Iris on the grounds that my milk is not her ONLY source of food. She eats a lot of solids and she drinks formula milk too during the day, so she only needs me for comfort and little bit of milk from my body insyaAllah won't harm me and my baby. Our body is smart and it knows when to stop producing milk when you are pregnant. I realise now my body produces very little milk, will not be enough to keep her full. Because sometimes while breastfeeding, she suddenly ask for her bottle because she knows she is not getting enough from me. And after drinking from the bottle, she continued for my breast. That is my little boobie monster, cant get enough of my breasts.

But I do not intend to tandem nurse both baby and Iris. I think it is individual preference. As for me, if God permits I want it to be exclusive for the baby. I don't want Iris to be getting all the milk, because obviously she is the smart one, and the baby for all you know can't even latch properly. And as a result, the toddler gets the milk, and when scarce, the baby has to be fed on formula milk. Happens to some of my friends. But others could be experiencing differently, with tandem nursing, and a lot of demand, you could be producing a lot of milk, who knows right. Again, it is individual preference.

I intend to stop Iris at 6 months-8 months of pregnancy. I will need my maid for that to help me take over Iris at night so she won't go looking for my breasts at night. InsyaAllah...semoga Allah permudahkan. Ameen.  







































  

What's on my mind

I actually have a lot of things to write. To express. I have mixed feeling. Well mostly not a good one.

It's still raya month and honestly, I don't feel raya at all. I have a lot of open houses' invitation but I have only been to one friend's house where I managed to see most of my friends alhamdulillah.

I dunno how do I begin.

I found out I am pregnant, alhamdulillah. Bad morning sickness in the first three months. My toddler getting her tantrum sync in ever since. My maid is on one month leave and not sure if she is coming back. Mom's maid that is supposed to take care of my daughter ran away after one week. Brothers in-law wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl (prolly the only good news so far). First temporary babysitter rejected my daughter on the second day. Found another expensive, troublesome babysitter. Dad diagnosed with terminal illness. That's the latest.

I can't write all these in one entry. I will find time to share n vent out. I will. Coz at times I feel so out of the world. And I just break down and cry.

Semoga Allah kuatkan hati Dan semangat. Ameen.